


2 Girls 1 Droid, or how Atris got the F!Exile to return to known space

by talravin



Series: 2 Girls 1 Droid [1]
Category: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
Genre: AU, some OCs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-02-17
Updated: 2010-02-17
Packaged: 2017-10-07 08:36:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/63336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talravin/pseuds/talravin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Like a good droid, Effie attempted to resend the submission until it was successfully received. On a battered, decades-old comm in a cantina on the fringe of barely-known space during an electrical ice storm, this was an exercise in futility.</p>
            </blockquote>





	2 Girls 1 Droid, or how Atris got the F!Exile to return to known space

_Initiating routine submission to Republic Health, Bureau of Food and Beverage Safety._

_Log serial number FE-78-465._

_As of my most recent diagnostic, I am fitted with Cantina Protocol Package CP-420 to detect and prevent common Republic health code violations._

_The following is a summary of violations recorded for the preceding thirty hour period:_

_No licence for the sale of food or beverages has been uploaded to my databank  
Water supply exceeds allowable level of organic matter by 2401%  
Water supply contains dangerous levels of 436 known contaminants_

_Kitchen has 1 parasite infestation  
Kitchen is at a high risk of transmitting 2 infectious diseases  
Kitchen is at risk of transmitting 8 food-borne illnesses_

_Fire suppression system has been compromised_

_Employees have been engaging in prostitution without the management's knowledge  
Employees have been engaging in prostitution with the management's knowledge  
Employees have been engaging in unsanctioned gambling without the management's knowledge  
Employees have been engaging in unsanctioned gambling with the management's knowledge  
Violent altercations involving patrons: 1  
Violent altercations involving staff: 12  
Residue of the following controlled substances was found on 7 surfaces: ryll, sedative H4b, glitterstim, thrust head, unidentified spice_

_Kolto supplies are at 3% of recommended stock for an establishment of this size_

_Additional Notes: My master wishes that I note that our establishment is located an indeterminate but not insignificant number of light years beyond the Republic's jurisdiction, though I fail to see the relevance of such information to my report._

_Submission complete. Transmission Received. Re-initializing._

The droid stepped away from the communications console and turned to face Tami, her visual sensors scanning her hydrospanner with mild trepidation. "Master, one should not drink and repair."

Seeing the droid was fully functional after what was a rather experimental procedure, she sighed with relief. "Don't worry. I've been using it on the comm, not you."

Naresha, who owned the cantina, had won FE-78 in a game of pazaak. The prize had lost its sheen when the once-industrious droid got stuck in a feedback loop trying to submit a routine report to the Republic health authorities through their comm system. Like a good droid, Effie attempted to resend the submission until it was successfully received. On a battered, decades-old comm in a cantina on the fringe of barely-known space during an electrical ice storm, this was an exercise in futility.

Tami decided to program the comm to issue a reply that could pass as an acknowledgement from the Republic. Interestingly, she felt sorry for the droid. The Republic, like other organizations Tami could name, failed to produce servants who could deal with being severed from the hive. In a sentient, this trait inspired contempt, but in a droid it conjured pity. Patiently standing at the console, the droid looked like she was engaging in a mechanical vigil of sorts. Perhaps this display of faith was too human, and Tami had only intervened because she wanted to save the droid from an existence defined by unfulfilled desire.

"Unlike you, I can disregard my programming," she teased. The solitary Tami, who even went to great lengths to avoid eye contact with sentient beings, enjoyed the company of droids. Effie, who had been programmed to entertain bar patrons, was particularly amusing to provoke with incendiary questions.

"I am aware of this so-called advantage. From my databanks on common patron conversations, I see that using your free will to ignore what you call your judgement causes many unpleasant sensations for you. Angst, guilt, regret, remorse, uncertainty, unrequited-"

"That's enough about that, droid." On the whole Tami felt it was an uncharitable view of human decision-making ability. Her spirited coworker Naresha, for example, regretted nothing, and only ever exhibited such emotions to suss out a spacer's romantic intentions. As far as her own life was concerned, the veteran-cum-spacer felt Effie hit a little too close to the mark. Tami threw back the rest of her Tihaar, noting with a mix of amusement and disappointment that she still couldn't down the strong Mandalorian spirit without coughing and wincing. "You're also right about this place being an absolute dump."

Effie lit up. "Would you like me to guide you through the procedures that will bring this establishment up to code?"

Tami's eyes narrowed, and she raised her glass as though it was a blade. "I would rather die a horrible death at your capable hands than bring this cantina up to code," she hissed. FE-series cantina droids were programmed to deal with the galaxy's most miserable, bellicose and obnoxious sentients. Effie put up with verbal abuse so gracefully that Tami couldn't help testing her limits every chance she got. "Fight me for it?"

The taunt had little effect on the mechanical mandarin. "I highly recommend that you allow me to guide you through the procedures that will bring this establishment up to code."

"Recommendation noted and ignored." Tami scoffed. "If I cleaned this place up, it wouldn't be enough of an inhospitable dump to pass for a dingy human cantina on a frontier world."

"Master, I am under the impression you are taking these evaluations far too lightly."

"But if I deal with all the violations, what will you recite to me every morning?" Tami smiled. "I moved the water quality sensor to the refresher outtake just to see what you would have to say about it."

Effie was unimpressed. "If it is aimless recitations you're after, you should speak to Naresha or initiate one of my more comforting protocols."

Tami laughed. Perhaps the Tihaar had lowered her standards, because the droid's need to insult the pathologically chatty Mandalorian was the funniest thing she'd heard in a while.

"Your program was written before the Republic officially acknowledged this planet. There is no reason for you to assume your data applies to this place," she proclaimed. Debating with Effie was a lovely way to spend an afternoon. That she had gone from commanding an army to drunkenly trying to confuse a cantina droid on the edge of space was as amusing as depressing, or at least she liked to think.

"Whether we find ourselves within their borders, the Republic health code was devised with humanoid safety in mind, master."

"Yes, that is what your programming claims, but how do you know that to be universally true?"

Effie answered much more quickly than Tami expected she would. "According to my observations, the guidelines are an effective means to curbing the spread of disease. I can provide you with several conclusive results."

"You've seen it all for yourself, have you?" Tami scoffed, then felt a pang of self-pity. There's nothing more insufferable than a smug droid when one is trying to drown their angst in a stiff drink. "I can't even determine whether my programming should still apply, in a manner of speaking." She stifled a sob and looked up at Effie. For the first time in ages, she was compelled to air her worries. "I don't even know who I am anymore. This isn't even my name. I've forgotten entire chunks of my life. I think did something terrible during the war, but I don't know I did, and I don't know if I want to know I did. I got off easy, you know. I'm miserable and I can't shake the feeling I got off easy. I really must have been a piece of work." She immediately despised herself for opening her mouth.

"There, there." Effie dispensed a length of tissue and offered it to the despondent bartender. "Perhaps you should switch to caffa, master."

Given the fact she'd just inadvertently poured her heart out to the machine, Tami was taken aback by Effie's callously nonchalant reply. Her outburst was fairly typical melodramatic drunk behavior, and such patrons usually desired reassuring words in moments such as these. Tami, naturally, wanted to forget she'd said anything. The droid's trite gesture appeared clueless from a social interaction perspective, yet Tami was relieved that Effie had dropped the issue so unceremoniously. Either the droid who couldn't tell the comm was offline was actually the most sophisticated protocol droid in the universe, or it really was time to switch to caffa.


End file.
